Post Classifieds

Rock Lord Enchants Campus

By Tholni Boutiea
On April 1, 2018

 

After a light meteor shower in the area last night, a local jogger found a bizarre, pulsing green rock had landed in the middle of Concord’s baseball field.

 

The jogger, who wishes to remain anonymous, was on his/her morning jog when they spotted an eerie glow coming from the baseball field. As the jogger approached the field, they saw a large rock, about the size of a car, had crashed into the pitcher’s plate and was giving off a green, warm light. The jogger reported the find to the local authorities, and the rock is currently under investigation by the college’s geologists. “It was just sitting there,” the jogger said, “and I’ve never seen anything like it. It actually gave me a headache to look at. Is that weird?”

 

Geologists have not been able to identify what the meteorite is made of yet. “So far it looks like some kind of substance not found on Earth,” Dr. Carl Manford, a geologist researching the rock, commented. “It’s an amazing find, and I feel very lucky to have been brought in to research it. Maybe we’ll name it Carlite,” Dr. Manford laughed. “Bl’thiok Nanthul. Oh, excuse me. Don’t know what happened there.”

 

The research team has stated that there is no apparent danger to the community, and that anyone interested is free to see the mysterious meteorite. “It’s not radioactive,” according to Dr. Manford. “I would highly encourage anyone to come to the site and see the beautiful specimen we have here. It’s very enchanting. I could look at it forever,” Dr. Manford said, wiping some droll from his lip.

 

Athens Town Council was initially hesitant to let the rock remain in the area. In a public statement, the Town Council said, “Due to the light produced by the rock, we would request that it be taken to a secure research facility where it can be properly studied, and not left for the Athens community to see.” However, after going to the baseball field, the Town Council retracted and revised its statement. “Everyone should go see it,” the new statement reads. “It will change your life for the better.”

 

A Facebook group started by Nancy Kelsea, a Concord student, has already been made in honor of the rock called Rock Worship Center. “The name’s a joke,” Nancy told the Concordian, “but I really do think people should go see it. Obviously no one is worshipping this thing, but you might want to after you see it and there’s nothing wrong with that. Have you seen it yet? If you haven’t we can go see it right now, if you want.”

 

The Concordian is able to confirm through its reporters that the meteorite is actually incredible. Staff have been quick to mention the rock’s mystifying qualities, and reported that they felt inspired by the sense of community the rock gives anyone who sees it. “We have our own language now, us rockers,” one writer commented. “If you haven’t seen it, you wouldn’t understand. You’ve just got to go see it before you can Klq’manbtic or Pyqetishm. Non-rockers just don’t get it.”

 

Some students have yet to see the glorious messenger from above, despite living so close to perfection. “I don’t get what the big deal is, it’s just a rock,” one ignorant fool commented. “If you’ve seen one rock you’ve seen them all, you know? Why’re you scowling at me like that? Get your hands off of me!” the naïve scum commented before seeing the rock of his own volition.

 

A local law requiring citizens of Mercer County to see the rock is currently being drafted.

 

The Concordian, which will soon change its name to Y’Tholnian Daily Text, will keep you notified of any developments involving the One True Lord of Stars. 

 

 

Editor's Note: Always check your sources.

 

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