Police on “Easter Egg” Hunt for Library Thief

By Arthur Dense

On April 1, 2018

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Pictured: Not the library, but it could be

Tragedy struck the J. Frank Marsh Library on April 1, as all but one of the library’s hundreds of films were stolen in the middle of the night by an unknown vandal.

As the library opened on Easter morning, one of the staff went and unlocked the door to the campus’ extensive movie collection. After unlocking the door and looking inside, the staff member went back to the front desk and tried to look like they were doing something. A few hours later, a visitor asked the staff, “Hey, where did your movies go?” leading to shock and chaos as the library realized almost all of their movies had been stolen. The only remaining film in the building was a 2003 copy of “The Blind Swordsman: Zatoichi,” which sat slumped against the shelf with its front cover facing out towards the door.

Campus police were immediately notified and came straight to the library a few hours later. After reviewing the security footage, police were able to spot someone walking the campus grounds around 3 a.m. with a black ski mask covering their face and a green sweater, appearing to be carrying something. The person battered against the side doors of the library for a while, later returning with a rock, smashing the glass of the door and letting themselves in. Police have labeled the person “suspicious.” Upon investigating, the library staff did find that one of the glass panes of the door had been smashed, and a large, jagged rock was found sitting in the references section of the building, presumably so nobody would find it.

“Why leave only one movie?” one of the officers was heard saying to himself. The officer googled a synopsis of the movie, searching for possible thematic clues, and then began googling every synopsis of every Zatoichi movie ever made. As of this printing, the officer is still at the library desk, intently reading and preparing a paper presentation about the film for the rest of the department.

Dr. Charles Brichford, faculty sponsor of the Film Society, was contacted for comment on the break-in. “It’s really terrible stuff,” Dr. Brichford said. “There’s a lot of really great movies in there, and they were all paid for by student funds too. Every one of those movies are really spectacular in their own weird way, and it’s a huge loss for the institution to have them stolen. I’m planning - I mean was planning, sorry, on watching them after my retirement. Real shame.”

When asked if he had any idea about the remaining film, Dr. Brichford said, “Oh they left that? It’s a good one. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this to anyone before, but the Film Society showed that movie months before it was commercially released in the States thanks to the magic of Hong Kong DVDs. I’ve still got the bootleg copy at my house actually.” Dr. Brichford then rubbed his beard, looked slightly stunned at his shoes, and said, “Why’re you asking again?”

As to the identity of the ne’er-do-well, police have been strapped for clues. After scanning the crime scene, police were only able to find a single white hair lying on the desk in the former movie room. This, police say, have led them to believe that the perpetrator is not bald. Police are encouraging citizens to report suspicious activity, saying at a conference about the break-in, “If you spot anyone trying to hide their head, like maybe with a hat, please get in contact with campus police IMMEDIATELY.”

In other news, a briefcase was found in the library on the same morning and is pictured below. If anyone knows who the briefcase belongs to, please contact the library so that it may be returned to its owner.