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The Mystery of Spontaneous Marriages Inc.

By Kelson Howerton
On September 30, 2017

Spontaneous Marriages, Inc. offers marriage to one lucky applicant.  
                        Photo By Kelson Howerton

The bulletin boards of the Concord Student Center are home to some very odd things from time to time, including flyers that give an open invitation to a “free marriage.”

    You read that right. Scattered throughout several of the Student Center’s many bulletin boards were flyers from a company called Spontaneous Marriages Inc., a local kickstart company operated by one student offering themselves up to be married to one lucky applicant of any gender.

    “This advertisement is not an offer of fornication, affection, devotion or fidelity,” the flyer read. “This will be a torrid, loveless affair. At best, we will become business partners. At worst, perhaps we will part as unlikely friends.”

    This flyer piqued the interest of many students passing through the building, including myself, who became aware of it when it was pointed out to me by others. Not sure if this was an elaborate joke or an actual offer, I reached out to this mysterious organization for answers.

    After a few brief hours of anxiously awaiting a response, my patience was rewarded with a text from the mastermind behind Spontaneous Marriages, Inc., an anonymous individual referred to only as Johnson J. Johnson.

    What proceeded was a short questionnaire in which Johnson ensured that I was indeed committed to the idea of spontaneous marriage and was not simply looking for a quick means to a green card. After approving my answers to the questionnaire, an agreement was made for us to meet up sometime the next day to take this hypothetical marriage to the next level.

    However, my hopes of actually meeting this person began to fade as hours and hours passed, and I never received any response from Johnson on a confirmation of the time and place of meeting. Despite my persistent texts to Johnson, all I received was silence, making me fear the worst – this flyer was too good to be true and I had been embarrassingly duped.

    Just as I had lost all hope, Johnson finally responded, almost a full 24 hours later. Apologizing for the lack of response, Johnson stated that they had lost all steam with the proposal, but since I was persistent, Johnson would agree to meet with me the next day. A time and place was set, and I was excited to finally meet the sole proprietor of this self-matchmaking company.

    As my companion and I approached the individual in our agreed meeting place, I was greeted with a bouquet of pink plastic flowers and the smiling face of Johnson, who was ready to open up about the story of Spontaneous Marriages, Inc.

    “Let me make it clear that my company isn’t a joke,” Johnson assured. “I noticed that we had three major hurricanes coming, and I was like, ‘Wow, this is probably the end of the world.’” Rather than dying alone and unmarried, Johnson founded the company to give one lucky individual the gift of companionship amidst what Johnson believed to be the end of days.

    However, the students of Concord were not as receptive to Johnson’s offer than what the young entrepreneur had hoped. “No one answered until the last week, and by then I had lost steam,” Johnson said. “Spontaneity will only carry you so far.”

    In fact, I was the only individual to go this far down the rabbit hole, and thus Johnson was grateful for my interest in the company. However, since I was only ever interested in Spontaneous Marriages, Inc. to tell its story, and Johnson had lost all interest in the idea of a spontaneous marriage, we decided to part ways with the knowledge that we now had a special connection that would never be broken.

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